when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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