Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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