never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The ass gains better be worth it
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