I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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