Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
