I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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