I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
