I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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