Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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