I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
