I wish my penis had an off switch
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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