I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
