How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize