puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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