i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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