I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
