So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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