We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
