I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
