He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
