Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
