Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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