you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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