My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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