sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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