I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
