I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
