Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
