A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
