there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
