Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
