I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
