It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
