You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
