I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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