I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
