You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I will be naked everywhere
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
