It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
