someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
