He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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