Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
