Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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