and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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