dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
