apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
