got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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