Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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