So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
