god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fuck appropriateness.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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