I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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