Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just had sex on a roof
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize