I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
