So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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