He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
