she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
