i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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