I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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