i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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