You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
