i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
