i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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