are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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