i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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